I have found that this beauty is quite hard to attain.  There are many things that the Lord gives us as soon as we begin to desire them, but when you seek true beauty, a beautiful soul, a pure heart before the Lord, you find yourself on a very long journey.  One giant thing that fights against this process is the many counterfeits of the world.  We try to be ourselves but try to fit in at the same time.  We spend so much time being who we think we should be or what others expect that we forfeit our true identity as an individual, and much more importantly, in Christ. 

As I allow the Lord to excavate my heart, I am seeing that there's a lot more ugly than there is beautiful.  I feel his light shining down into pain that has been pushed down deeper and deeper inside as I fought to keep it hidden .  Simultaneously, there are outside influences and circumstances that agitate past wounds exposing all of the weaknesses in my being.  I feel like a crumbling wall that will soon fall.  It seems that as I walk this path that I am one misstep from insanity because I just feel like a crazy person with an ugly heart and stolen identity.  The worst part is that I don’t even know for sure who I will be when the work is done so it is hard to stay motivated.  It feels like I can’t take any more.  The uglier it gets the more it seem like I'm on the path to hell than on Gods path.  Where are you God in all this mess?

I keep trying to think of all the things that can relieve the suffering.  I have considered every option, but found that all of my efforts would still leave me empty and just postpone the inevitable.   I am like a diseased body that is shutting down and yet I keep reaching for life support.  I seek to live in my condition rather than to die and be free. 

Knowing God for as long as I have, I know that there is no door #2.  Jesus himself sought for another way.  He asked for the cup of suffering to be taken from Him.  Inevitably, He knew that there was no door #2.  (I guess it doesn’t hurt to ask though).  So,  I too will continue to walk the path.  I will persevere through the pain.  I will allow myself to become free from the past.  I will overcome my fear by walking through the valley of the shadow of death.  But how can I do this?  Through the Beautiful One- Jesus.  He walked down the horrible path, the path no one else would or could walk for me.  He faced evil and carried my disease.  He bore my cross, my sin, my pain, my failures, my fears.  He defeated them.  He is walking with me, right beside me, to ensure I too will experience victory. On the cross He purchased for me a new identity- a beautiful identity.  He is recreating me into that image with every step. 

As I walk with Him, I am beginning to take on His beauty and His likeness.

This new beauty is real and true.

You will feel it just by standing next to me. 

It sets me apart from others in the crowd. 

It is Jesus.