The place of suffering and the thought of carrying my cross repel me from becoming the creature God intended to me become.  I constantly go to the place in my mind that says that Jesus bore all of my sins and carried my cross so now I am free and there is no cross left to carry.  I find myself despising the cross because not only does it represent the place Jesus gave up his life, it also represents the place where I too must give up mine.  The thought of suffering brought on by the hand of someone that loves you seems like a contradiction.  Sometimes feeling like a pawn in a chess game, I resolve that God wants me to suffer so that his work can be done and he is not totally concerned with my pain.

I then ran to the place of suffering and the cross.  I realized I had to die because I am not truly living.  I exposed my sin and repented to all of those that my sin had affected.  I felt so liberated afterwards and I do not feel hindered by many things that I was hindered by before it all happened.

I now understand the cross a lot better.  The reason we suffer is because of all of the fleshly desires in us that are still trying to live.  It is those things that cause us so much pain.  When we allow ourselves to be crucified we are allowing Christ to live fully in us.  We will not be held back any longer by our pride, fears, insecurities, inadequacies, etc. because it is no longer us that live, but Christ that lives in us and through us.  We can be free to live in joy and experience the fullness of all our lives were created for.  I now feel an intense love and longing for the cross knowing that in the death of my flesh I will find life in the Spirit and as I die to this world I will be alive in Christ.  My life will not be limited to this Earth or this lifetime- it will be true life that will last forever.

“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints.”  Psalm 116:15